this is a journal entry I wrote earlier in the week. I thought it would be a good one to share for mother's day coming up. Don't worry, I pared it down a lot and tried to fix it up as much as possible, so it wouldn't sound like a rambling journal entry.
Today was a cleaning day. I spent hours getting the house clean. 20-30 minutes of it was spent cleaning the playroom. I also needed to clean the kitchen floor, so I sent the girls into the playroom to get them out of the way. (and keep Kiersten out of the garbage pile.) I didn't expect them to sit in there and not play with their toys, but I also didn't expect to walk back in after less than 10 minutes and see every shelf, bin, and basket completely empty and toys everywhere. I'm not joking when I say EVERY toy was on the floor. I didn't want to blow my top, so I closed my eyes and counted to 3. I made myself calm down. (Kiersten helped by looking at me with a sweet and innocent smile.) I put Kara on book picking-up duty, while I started clearing a path.
I couldn't help but think back to my pre-kid days. Those days were so simple, so easy, and so taken for granted. I was free to do what I wanted, sleep when I was tired, and be selfish if I wanted to. After a moment, I realized that even though back then I had no diapers to change, no puke to clean, and a lot less whining to listen to, I had no Kiersten baby to rock to sleep at night. I had no mornings of waking up to see Karalee's smiling face hovering over me, and hearing her say, "good morning sleepy-head!" I didn't have little feet to follow me everywhere, or a chubby little hand to hold every time I went down stairs. I did have more alone time with Ben, but what I didn't have were lazy sunday afternoons spent playing with our kids together. I didn't get to experience the look on his face when he looks at our girls. And I didn't get to see those happy little eyes and the way they both look back at him.
So I stopped feeling so sorry for myself and told Kara she had helped clean up enough and could go play. She excitedly ran into the livingroom to arrange a running race with her little sister. Then I started to think about how fast they are growing up. They have both changed so much since last year. I wondered how different they'll be next year. I was kinda sad to think of myself when they're all grown up and on their own. I'm sure it will be nice to have personal space and alone time. I think I'll be able to appreciate being kid-free again. Ben and I will be able to do whatever we want without stepping on toys, or listening to 2 kids screaming at once. But I wont be getting Kiersten's slobbery kisses at bed time. I wont be able to listen to Kara's crazy stories and silly versions of songs. So when I have a clean and quiet house, I'm gonna miss these little girls. I'll probably sit around looking at pictures and remembering cute things they once did. I'm gonna miss hugging them every day and being the person they always come to for everything. I'll probably be spending a few mother's days without them. I'll have memories and pictures, and even the teddy bear they gave me for this mother's day, but it will still be a little sad. Of course I'll be hoping for a phone call. I'll be overjoyed if I get it and a little devastated if I don't. I'll wonder what they're doing every day, and if they had something healthy for lunch. I'll probably pry into their lives more than I should, and call them more than they'd like. I'll know it, but I'll do it anyway because I always want to know they're okay.
So I was thinking about the old me, who didn't get to know what "mother's love" feels like, and the future me, who is gonna have to watch those girls grow up and leave someday, and it made me feel pretty happy to have someone to clean up after today. Especially 2 girls as cute as mine. So I shut the door to the playroom and let Kara pick out a game, and spent the rest of the "cleaning time" playing sesame street chutes and ladders with my little girlies.
see how cute they are?